Attachment 101: How Early Experiences Shape Us (and Why They Don’t Define Us)
We don’t choose the blueprint we’re handed as kids — the way we learned comfort, safety, or sometimes distance. That blueprint is called attachment, and it wires how we connect, what feels safe, and how we show up in relationships.
But here’s the thing: attachment isn’t destiny. You can break cycles, rewrite patterns, and create secure connection for your kids — even if you didn’t grow up with it yourself.
What Attachment Really Means
At its core, attachment is about survival. Babies are born wired to get our attention — babbling, making eye contact, reaching for closeness (and yes, being irresistibly cute). These built-in traits keep caregivers invested in protecting them.
But attachment isn’t just about keeping a baby alive. It’s about connection. The way our caregivers responded to us shapes how we learned to trust, how we handle emotions, and how we understand ourselves in relation to others.
When caregivers are consistently present, emotionally available, and responsive, children develop secure attachment. This creates a foundation of safety that carries into adulthood. But if the caregiving we experienced was inconsistent, dismissive, or even frightening, we may develop insecure attachment patterns.
Here’s the hopeful part: our childhood doesn’t permanently lock us in. We can grow, heal, and change.
Why Secure Attachment Matters
Secure attachment isn’t about perfect parenting. It’s about being good enough — showing up, being responsive, and repairing when things get messy.
When kids feel securely attached, they:
Believe they’re worthy of love.
Feel safe reaching out when upset.
Learn to regulate emotions.
Develop empathy and kindness.
This security comes from repetition. Small, everyday interactions — being attuned, soothing distress, repairing after disconnection — hardwire the brain for connection and trust.
Attachment Styles: Four Common Patterns
Our early caregiving can shape how we attach, but it doesn’t define us forever. Here are the four main patterns researchers see:
Secure Attachment → “I’m worthy of love, and others are dependable.” In adulthood, this looks like confidence, resilience, and comfort with both independence and closeness.
Avoidant Attachment → “I can’t rely on others, so I’ll handle things myself.” Adults may push people away, feel uncomfortable with vulnerability, and over-prioritize independence.
Anxious Attachment → “I need constant reassurance or I’ll be abandoned.” Adults may people-please, cling to relationships, or feel hypersensitive to rejection.
Disorganized Attachment → “I want closeness, but closeness feels unsafe.” Adults may swing between craving intimacy and pushing it away, often rooted in trauma or unpredictable caregiving.
Understanding these patterns helps us see why we connect the way we do — and how we can shift.
Attachment and Parenthood
Becoming a parent often stirs up our own attachment stuff. Pregnancy, birth, and postpartum are especially vulnerable times — brain plasticity is heightened, which means old patterns resurface and new ones can be created.
Maybe you notice:
You become extra sensitive to your baby’s cries.
You feel triggered by your child’s needs in ways you didn’t expect.
You start to see how your own parents’ caregiving shaped you.
This isn’t a sign you’re failing. It’s an opportunity. Reflecting on your own attachment style during parenthood gives you the power to break cycles of insecure attachment and create something new for your child.
Earned Security: Healing Beyond Childhood
Your attachment style is not set in stone. Even if you grew up with insecurity, neglect, or trauma, you can move toward earned security — developing secure attachment later in life.
How?
Therapy → processing your story with neutrality and compassion.
Reflection → naming both the good and the hard in your childhood.
Secure relationships → surrounding yourself with people who model safety and reciprocity.
This isn’t about erasing your past. It’s about integrating it, so you can move forward with insight and strength.
Attachment Styles in Adulthood
Here’s a quick look at how the research describes adult attachment:
Secure → Confidence, self-worth, comfort with closeness, ability to regulate emotions.
Anxious/Preoccupied → Craves validation, fears rejection, puts others’ needs first, struggles with self-worth.
Avoidant/Dismissing → Highly independent, avoids vulnerability, minimizes the importance of relationships.
Unresolved/Disorganized → Push-pull relationships, fear of loss, trauma triggers, difficulty trusting.
Earned Secure → Has reflected on and integrated past experiences, can trust others, builds secure relationships in adulthood.
These aren’t boxes you’re trapped in — they’re patterns you can notice, understand, and work on shifting.
Building Something Different
Attachment gives us the blueprint for survival, connection, and trust. But the blueprint you were handed doesn’t have to be the one you pass down.
You didn’t choose your attachment style — you came by it honestly. Familiar doesn’t always mean healthy, but it feels safe because it’s what we know. The good news? Familiarity can change.
By showing up for your child with presence, repair, and compassion, you’re already reshaping the pattern. By showing up for yourself in therapy and reflection, you can create earned security — rewriting the story you were given.
Final Takeaway
Attachment is powerful, but it’s not destiny. You can build safety for your kids even if you didn’t grow up with it yourself. And if reflecting on your attachment style feels heavy, confusing, or overwhelming — that’s where therapy comes in. You don’t have to do this alone.