Love Starts Here: A Therapist’s Take on Self-Love This Valentine’s Day

Why Self-Love Is the Most Important Relationship

Self-love gets talked about a lot, but for many people — especially mothers — it feels vague, unrealistic, or even a little offensive. When you’re already stretched thin, being told to “just love yourself more” can feel like one more impossible expectation to live up to.

So let’s clear something up right away:

Self-love is not about bubble baths, positive affirmations, or pretending everything is fine. It’s not about confidence, perfection, or having your life together. And it’s definitely not about putting yourself above everyone else.

Self-love is about how you treat yourself when things are hard — when you’re overwhelmed, reactive, exhausted, or unsure. It’s the relationship you have with yourself in the messy, unfiltered moments of life.

What Self-Love Actually Is

At its core, self-love is the practice of relating to yourself with compassion, respect, and honesty. It’s the belief — even on days you don’t feel it — that you are worthy of care simply because you exist.

Self-love doesn’t mean you think you’re perfect. It means you recognize that being human includes limits, emotions, mistakes, and growth. It’s knowing that your worth is not dependent on how productive you are, how calm you stay, or how well you meet everyone else’s needs.

For many mothers, self-love begins with unlearning the belief that your needs come last — or that tending to yourself is selfish, indulgent, or unnecessary.

What Self-Love Is Not

Self-love is not ignoring your responsibilities or avoiding growth. It’s not an excuse to check out or stop trying. And it’s not about constant positivity.

Real self-love includes accountability — but without shame. It allows you to say, “That didn’t go how I wanted,” without spiraling into “What’s wrong with me?”

It creates space for reflection without self-punishment.

And importantly, self-love isn’t something you either “have” or “don’t have.” It’s a practice — one that often feels unfamiliar at first, especially if you were taught to measure your worth by how much you give.

What Self-Love Looks Like in Everyday Life

Self-love doesn’t usually show up in big, Instagram-worthy ways. Most of the time, it’s quiet and unremarkable — but deeply powerful.

Here’s what it can actually look like:

1) Changing the Way You Talk to Yourself

That internal voice that says you’re failing, not doing enough, or should be handling things better? Self-love doesn’t mean it disappears — but you stop letting it run the show.

Instead of piling on after a hard moment, you begin to respond with something gentler:

• “This is hard.”

• “I’m doing the best I can with what I have.”

• “I don’t have to punish myself to grow.”

Over time, that shift in inner dialogue changes everything.

2) Letting Yourself Have Limits

Self-love means acknowledging that you cannot do everything — and that you’re not meant to.

It’s recognizing when you’re depleted and choosing to stop pushing. It’s saying no, asking for help, or lowering the bar — not because you’re weak, but because you’re human.

For many mothers, this is radical work. It means untangling your worth from how much you sacrifice.

3) Allowing Rest Without Guilt

Rest is often one of the first things to go when self-love is missing. You might only allow yourself to rest when everything else is done — which, of course, never happens.

Self-love reframes rest as a need, not a reward. It’s letting yourself pause without justifying it. It’s understanding that you don’t need to earn rest by being exhausted enough.

Rest becomes an act of self-trust.

4) Making Space for Your Feelings

Self-love means letting your emotions exist without judging them or rushing to shut them down.

It’s allowing yourself to say:

• “I’m overwhelmed.”

• “I’m angry.”

• “I miss who I was before.”

Not to fix it immediately — but to acknowledge it honestly. When you make room for your feelings, you stop fighting yourself from the inside.

5) Setting Boundaries That Protect You

Boundaries are one of the clearest expressions of self-love. They’re not about control or pushing people away — they’re about protecting your capacity.

Self-love might look like stepping back from draining relationships, limiting how much you give, or being honest about what you can and cannot handle right now.

It’s choosing self-respect over people-pleasing, even when it feels uncomfortable.

6) Letting Yourself Be Enough

Self-love means you stop constantly moving the finish line. You stop waiting to feel worthy until you’re calmer, thinner, more patient, or more productive.

You begin to allow the truth that you are enough as you are, even while you’re growing.

That doesn’t mean you won’t change — it means change comes from care, not self-rejection.

Why Self-Love Changes Everything

When you practice self-love, your nervous system softens. Your relationships shift. Your decisions become more aligned with your values instead of guilt or fear.

You stop abandoning yourself to meet impossible expectations. You start showing up in your life with more steadiness, clarity, and self-trust.

And perhaps most importantly, you begin to experience yourself as someone worthy of care — not just someone responsible for everyone else’s.

A Final Word

Self-love isn’t something you master once and never struggle with again. Some days it looks like compassion and confidence. Other days it looks like survival and gentleness.

But each time you choose to treat yourself with a little more understanding, a little less judgment, you strengthen that relationship with yourself.

And that relationship — the one you have with you — becomes the foundation everything else is built on.

Not perfect.
Not polished.
Just human — and held with care.

8 Signs You’re Lacking Self-Love (And It’s Not a Personal Failure)

Self-love gets packaged as bubble baths, positive affirmations, and “just be kinder to yourself” advice. But for many people — especially mothers — the absence of self-love doesn’t show up as self-hatred. It shows up as exhaustion. Overgiving. Second-guessing. Feeling like you’re always falling short, even when you’re doing everything.

If you’re struggling to feel grounded, confident, or at peace with yourself, it may not be because you’re broken. It may be because somewhere along the way, you learned to abandon yourself to survive.

Here are some common signs that self-love is missing — and why none of them mean you’ve failed.

1) Your Inner Voice Is Harsh and Unforgiving

You don’t need someone else to criticize you — you do it yourself. You replay conversations, fixate on mistakes, and hold yourself to standards you’d never expect from someone you love.

This isn’t because you’re “too hard on yourself.” It’s often because you learned that being critical was the way to stay safe, do better, or avoid rejection. Self-love doesn’t mean never having self-doubt. It means learning to speak to yourself with humanity instead of punishment.

2) You Measure Your Worth by Productivity

Rest feels uncomfortable. Slowing down feels lazy. If you’re not being useful, achieving something, or holding everything together, you feel uneasy — even guilty.

This is what happens when your worth becomes conditional. When love feels tied to output, self-love gets replaced with self-pressure. You’re allowed to exist without earning your place. You’re allowed to be valuable even when you’re tired.

3) You Struggle to Say No Without Explaining Yourself

You over-explain. You apologize. You say yes when every part of you wants to say no. And then you resent yourself — or everyone else — afterward.

Boundary struggles aren’t about being “bad at communication.” They often reflect a deeper belief that your needs are inconvenient or too much. Self-love is recognizing that your limits matter — even when they disappoint someone else.

4) You Minimize Your Feelings

You tell yourself you shouldn’t feel this way. Others have it worse. You push emotions down because they feel messy, inconvenient, or overwhelming.

But emotions don’t disappear when ignored — they show up as anxiety, irritability, numbness, or burnout instead. Self-love doesn’t mean indulging every feeling. It means allowing them to exist without shaming yourself for having them.

5) You Stay in Relationships That Drain You

You tolerate being dismissed, misunderstood, or emotionally unsupported. You make excuses for people who consistently hurt you. You convince yourself that wanting more is asking too much.

When self-love is low, familiarity can feel safer than respect. Rebuilding self-love often means grieving relationships that no longer fit — and trusting that you deserve connections that feel safe, mutual, and nourishing.

6) You Feel Uncomfortable Receiving Care or Praise

Compliments slide right off. Help feels awkward. Being taken care of triggers discomfort or guilt.

This often happens when you’ve learned to be the strong one, the capable one, the one who doesn’t need anything. Self-love means letting yourself receive — without minimizing, deflecting, or earning it first.

7) You Constantly Compare Yourself to Others

You look around and feel behind. Everyone else seems more confident, more together, more certain. You wonder what’s wrong with you.

Comparison thrives when self-trust is low. Self-love shifts the focus inward — away from where you should be and toward where you actually are. There is no universal timeline for healing, confidence, or fulfillment.

8) You Don’t Feel Deserving of Ease or Joy

When things calm down, you brace yourself. When something good happens, you wait for it to disappear. Peace feels unfamiliar — even unsafe.

This is common when you’ve lived in survival mode for a long time. Self-love is learning that you don’t have to struggle to justify rest, happiness, or relief. You’re allowed to feel okay — even when nothing dramatic has happened to earn it.

What Self-Love Actually Looks Like (A Simple Reality Check)

Self-love isn’t confidence all the time. It’s not getting rid of self-doubt or never struggling again.

Self-love looks like:

• Speaking to yourself with honesty instead of cruelty

• Letting your needs matter — even when it’s uncomfortable

• Setting limits without self-abandonment

• Allowing rest without justification

• Treating yourself with the same compassion you offer others

If you see yourself in these signs, nothing has gone wrong. You didn’t fail at self-love — you adapted to a world that asked you to carry too much, too quietly, for too long.

And you can relearn how to come back to yourself — gently, imperfectly, and on your own terms.

The Real Benefits of Practicing Self-Love (Especially When You’re a Mom)

Self-love gets a bad reputation. It’s often framed as bubble baths, affirmations, or “choosing yourself” in ways that feel unrealistic — especially when you’re caring for everyone else. But real self-love isn’t about indulgence or perfection. It’s about how you relate to yourself when you’re exhausted, overwhelmed, or falling short of the impossible standards placed on you.

And when self-love is practiced in a real, grounded way, it changes everything.

You Become More Emotionally Resilient

Self-love doesn’t mean you stop struggling — it means you stop turning every struggle into evidence that you’re failing. Instead of spiraling into self-blame when things feel hard, you respond with compassion and steadiness.

This matters because motherhood is emotionally demanding. When you practice self-love, you’re more able to ride the waves of guilt, frustration, sadness, or self-doubt without drowning in them. You recover faster. You soften instead of shut down. You remind yourself, This is hard — and I’m still okay.

You Stop Abandoning Yourself

One of the quiet benefits of self-love is that you begin to notice when you’re pushing yourself too far. You stop ignoring your body’s signals. You stop dismissing your emotional needs as “dramatic” or “not important.”

Self-love teaches you to pause before burnout hits. To rest without earning it. To say no without a justification essay. To recognize that your needs are not a problem — they’re information.

Your Relationships Get Healthier

When you practice self-love, your boundaries change. Not in a harsh way — in an honest one. You’re less likely to overgive, resent silently, or stay stuck in dynamics that drain you.

You begin relating to others from a place of self-respect instead of self-sacrifice. That doesn’t mean you love less — it means you love without losing yourself. And that creates more sustainable, emotionally safe relationships for everyone involved.

You Model Emotional Health for Your Children

Self-love isn’t just personal — it’s relational. When your children see you treating yourself with kindness, setting limits, and repairing mistakes without shame, they learn how to do the same.

You don’t have to be perfectly regulated or endlessly patient. In fact, practicing self-love often looks like saying, I snapped — and I’m sorry. It’s modeling repair, self-compassion, and emotional honesty. That’s powerful.

You Feel More Grounded in Who You Are

When self-love grows, you stop constantly measuring yourself against what you should be doing. You start listening to what actually feels right for you.

This creates a sense of internal steadiness — a knowing that you don’t have to prove your worth through productivity, perfection, or self-denial. You are allowed to take up space exactly as you are.

The Truth About Self-Love

Self-love isn’t loud. It’s quiet, consistent, and deeply grounding. It shows up in small moments: choosing rest, speaking gently to yourself, letting go of unrealistic expectations, and staying on your own side.

And over time, those moments add up to something powerful — a relationship with yourself that feels safe, steady, and supportive.

Not because motherhood got easier.
But because you stopped carrying it alone.

Why Self-Love Feels So Hard — and How to Begin Rebuilding It

For many people, self-love doesn’t feel natural or accessible. It can feel forced, uncomfortable, or even unsafe. And that’s not because you’re doing something wrong — it’s because there are very real barriers that get in the way.

If you’ve ever thought, “I know I should be kinder to myself, but I just can’t,” you’re not alone. Self-love is often blocked not by a lack of effort, but by years of conditioning, pressure, and survival.

Understanding those barriers is the first step toward rebuilding a healthier relationship with yourself.

Common Barriers to Self-Love

1) You Learned to Tie Your Worth to Performance

Many of us grew up learning that love, praise, or safety came from doing well — being helpful, achieving, staying quiet, or keeping others happy. Over time, this creates a belief that your value depends on what you produce or how well you perform.

As a result, slowing down, resting, or prioritizing yourself can feel uncomfortable or undeserved. You may feel worthy only when you’re accomplishing something or meeting everyone else’s needs.

Self-love threatens this belief system, which is why it can feel so hard to practice.

2) You Were Taught That Self-Sacrifice Equals Love

Especially for mothers, self-sacrifice is often praised and expected. Being the one who gives endlessly, copes quietly, and puts yourself last is framed as strength.

But when self-sacrifice becomes your identity, self-love can feel selfish. You might feel guilty for setting boundaries, resting, or asking for support — even when you’re exhausted.

This barrier isn’t a personal failure; it’s cultural conditioning.

3) You Have an Internalized Critical Voice

That harsh inner voice — the one that says you’re not doing enough, not handling things well, or should be better by now — doesn’t come from nowhere.

Often, it’s an internalized echo of past criticism, unrealistic expectations, or environments where mistakes weren’t met with compassion. Over time, that voice becomes automatic.

When self-love is missing, self-criticism can feel like motivation. But in reality, it keeps you stuck in shame and self-doubt.

4) You Don’t Feel Safe Slowing Down

For some people, staying busy is a form of survival. Slowing down means feeling emotions, noticing exhaustion, or confronting unmet needs — all of which can feel overwhelming.

If rest has historically been followed by guilt, conflict, or emotional pain, your nervous system may resist it. In this case, self-love isn’t just emotional work — it’s nervous system work.

5) You Believe You Need to Fix Yourself First

A common barrier to self-love is the belief that you’ll be worthy of kindness after you change — when you’re calmer, less reactive, more productive, or more put together.

But self-love doesn’t come after healing. It’s part of the healing.

Waiting until you feel “better” to be kind to yourself keeps self-love permanently out of reach.

How to Begin Rebuilding Self-Love

Rebuilding self-love doesn’t require confidence or positivity. It starts with willingness — a willingness to relate to yourself differently, even in small ways.

Here’s where that rebuilding can begin:

1) Start With Neutral Compassion

If kindness feels fake or forced, start neutral.

Instead of saying “I love myself,” try:

• “This is hard.”

• “Anyone in my position would struggle.”

• “I don’t need to punish myself for this.”

Compassion doesn’t have to be emotional. It can simply be fair.

2) Practice Not Abandoning Yourself

Self-love often begins with staying present with yourself instead of pushing your needs away.

This might look like:

• Listening when your body says it’s tired

• Letting yourself feel disappointed without minimizing it

• Acknowledging when something hurts instead of brushing it off

Each time you respond to yourself instead of dismissing yourself, you rebuild trust.

3) Separate Worth From Productivity

This is foundational.

Begin noticing when your sense of value rises and falls with how much you get done. Gently remind yourself:
“My worth doesn’t increase when I’m productive, and it doesn’t disappear when I rest.”

This is not about doing less — it’s about no longer measuring your value by output.

4) Set One Small Boundary

You don’t need to overhaul your life to practice self-love. Start with one boundary that protects your energy.

It might be:

• Saying no to one unnecessary obligation

• Leaving a conversation earlier than usual

• Not explaining yourself when you don’t have the capacity

Boundaries are self-love in action — even when they feel uncomfortable.

5) Let Self-Love Be Inconsistent

Self-love is not linear. Some days it will feel accessible; other days it won’t. That doesn’t mean you’re failing.

Rebuilding self-love means allowing yourself to be imperfect at it — and continuing anyway.

A Final, Gentle Reframe

Self-love is not about becoming a different version of yourself. It’s about learning to stay connected to who you already are — even when you’re tired, overwhelmed, or unsure.

It’s choosing to stop fighting yourself from the inside.

And slowly, with consistency and care, that choice becomes a relationship — one built on trust, compassion, and respect.

Not flashy.
Not performative.
Just real — and deeply supportive.

Motherhood asks a lot — often more than anyone prepares you for. If you’re feeling depleted, stuck in self-criticism, or disconnected from yourself, a consult can help you figure out what support might look like in this season.

Want to learn more about practical self-love? Download the Self-Love Journal here.